The following letter found its way into the Chief Pilot's IN tray recently.
Sir,
In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday you requested a
report about alleged proceedings involving my crew at the 75th birthday
celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local authorities and
the head of the Australian legation were undoubtably a complete fabrication,
I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter on file.
Management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken onboard by the
crew who decided to upgrade the event to it's correct status, so appropriate
quantities of libation and food were purchased, with festivities being held
in my hoted suite.
An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained so
several members of the crew left for further purchases at a local bar. In a
truly magnanimous gesture ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry
the beer back to the hotel; so to demonstrate our appreciation of their
assistance we served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some
local culture and, in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some
exotic dances.
The banging on the walls of my room had by now, quite honestly, become
invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers so we arranged an amusing little
deterrent.
Second Officer Brown's impersonation of the police officer was excellent! In
full uniform, with an aluminium rubbish bin upside down on his head, he
goose-stepped to each room and harangueed the occupants with a very witty
diatribe about disturbing hoted guests. I personally heard nothing of his
alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, as claimed by the sister
of the Minister of Police whose room was unluckily next door.
I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel
management, and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out, here come the
Indians! Circle the wagons" was made. The simple coincidence of security
arriving just as we stood the double bed on it's side across the door to
make the dance floor bigger is obvious. The major damage to the room
occurred when a group of gate crashers whom we could not know were hotel
security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning
against the bed watching the dancing.
The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts.
I was explaining the importance of the 75th birthday to the general manager
of the hotel and noting that other guests were fabricating stories of noise,
drinking and singing at the celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several
other keep fit enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of
health, organised the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It
says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the fittings
were torn from the walls before most of the crew were even half way up.
At this stage, in an amazing display of international posturing, the
Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day cocktail party in
the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about Australian culture. Although
he misunderstood our gestures of greeting, female flight attendant Williams
rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture. Her
rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's "Pool of
Remembrance" was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is
performed wearing just the sarong skirt so FFA Williams extra step to
nature was a bold step forward. Unfortunalely, during one intricate step FFA
Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain so we were very lucky that
S/O Brown, who had the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his
uniform wet, leapt in to help. That the tiles in the pool were slippery is
beyond dispute as it took nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O
Brown could actually complete his rescue. Such concern was there for these
two exemplary crew members safety that the rest of the crew were forced to
assist, and I deny that this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be
construed as a "water polo game"!
This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot
Squad, whose storm troops had apparently been called by some over-zealous
Fascists at the cocktail party.
Order had nearly been restored when the fire started.
I prefer F/O Smith's version of events - that the drapes had caught fire
---From being against a light fitting and that he dropped his cigarette lighter
whilst trying to escape the flames.
Had hotel management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire
retardent materials instead of velvet the fire would not have spread to the
rest of the hotel.
The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to
carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended not condemned,
and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish pockets of fire
using natural means has been totally misrepresented in some quarters. I
cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions made in the Chief Fire
Officer's report.
I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the
Australian legation visited us the next morning at the police station.
However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the
preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but by failing to
secure our release immediately caused the subsequent aircraft delay.
I did not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that
her 12 hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and
probably HRH herself. (I must mention here that the local manager is far too
obsequeous - Smarmy!Smarmy! You should have seen him bowing and scraping.
Never make a Prime Minister that chap!)
Finally, I note that not since "Rainman"" has our airline been mentioned in
so many newspapers.The main newspaper at the slip port coincidentally
mentioned our airline 75 times on it's front page alone, although some of
the coupled epithets can only be described as the worst journalistic
excesses of the gutter press.
I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events we may allow
ourselves a discrete smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some
of these developing nations and put all this behind us.As far as I'm
concerned the crew carried on the fine airline's traditions.
Regards,
Captain
P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew but no one
was up to speed on Latin.
Can you recommend anyone in the International Department who could translate
"Persona Non Grata"
Gidday
Tony Renshaw
The Aussie Connection
Builder No.236
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