A good laugh! Thanks.
On 11/14/03 6:35 PM, "Jeremy Davey" <jeremycrdavey@btinternet.com> wrote:
> <jeremycrdavey@btinternet.com>
>
> Guys,
>
>
> I got this on email today and thought it worth passing on to lighten up a
> few moments for you - apologies if you think it's spam.
>
>
> For the benefit of our colonial cousins, the Haynes manuals are
> do-it-yourself car repair manuals notorious for comments like: "Once the lid
> is on, simply fit bid tapes to the bulkhead/fuselage-roof join".
>
>
> Cheers,
>
> Jeremy
>
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
>
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> .......................anticlockwise.
>
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
>
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.
>
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
>
> Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
>
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
>
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
> are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
>
> Haynes: Pry...
>
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
>
> Haynes: Undo...
>
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
>
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
>
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
>
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
>
> Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
> out that pesky bayonet bit.
>
>
> Haynes: Lightly...
>
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
> are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly'
> what you are doing now.
>
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
>
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
>
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
>
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
>
> Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
>
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
>
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
> the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
>
>
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
>
> Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think
> three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
>
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
>
> Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
>
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
>
> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
>
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
>
> Translation:
>
> ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
>
>
> Haynes: Compress...
>
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage For
> whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
>
>
> Haynes: Inspect...
>
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
> at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
> it's going to need a new one"!
>
>
> Haynes: Carefully...
>
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
>
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
>
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
>
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
>
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
> Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
> feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
>
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
>
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
>
> Translation: Snap off...
>
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
>
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
>
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
>
> Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
>
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
>
>
> Haynes: Index
>
> Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to
> do!
>
>
> Jeremy Davey
>
>
> Europa Monowheel 537M G-EZZA
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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