All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers
were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People,
people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
-----------------------
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the
cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
------------------------
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like what, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
-----------------------
---From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
---From the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or
your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings,
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt, Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
US Airways."
---------------
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking
section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you
can smoke 'em."
----------------
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New
York to Los Angeles, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!"
|